How to train your... Husband!

Husbands - Calm down. I know you're getting your boxer briefs in a twist right now but you just need to listen for a second! This is for you so... Trust me! I know men aren't supposed to be trained or trainable for that matter. I suppose train isn't the correct word. Persuaded maybe. Perverted, yes! Lol.

When I got married, one of my thoughtful guests, and I'm sure if I went back through my notes (yes I'm that anal about some things) I could find out who, gave me a retro edition of the original Betty Crocker Cookbook in all it's red and white checkered tableclothed glory. I thought, at first, it was pretty cool. I learned to brûlée and cream and steam. I learned to chop and boil and bake. I learned the difference between yams and sweet potatoes (don't ask me now, I can't recall!) and how to pick fresh broccoli and watermelons.

Then I happened upon a page. Seriously?! Does that say what I think it does? A section on "How to welcome your husband to his home after a long, tiring day at work"! Ya, you read that correctly. The first page boast a very well put together 1950's era "housewife", bofaunt hair, mid-calf length day dress, low heels, apron, big "happy to see her husband after his long day at the office" smile. Then I started reading the "suggestions" to keeping your husband happy. #3: clean his children and dress them nicely. They are his pride and joy and should look as such when he returns from the office. Or #6: Recomb your hair and touch up your modest makeup. He doesn't want you to look like a floozie but he does not want to come home to someone unkept either. Freshen up.

Was this for real? It couldn't be? What the hell happened to feminism and womens rights, bra burning and such... Oh wait, that was a few decades later I guess. So, to my 21 year old ego, this was ridiculousness! Seriously, "freshen up"? Bite me!

So, now I am 31. A decade has passed since receiving this special retro cookbook. So has a husband, well, I don't mean passed-passed, although... Nah, I probably shouldn't say that, given the open forum. Lol. I have learned many,
MANY things in the last ten years. Several pertain to making and keeping a man happy. Turns out, Ms. Crocker wasn't so far off! So, what follows is my "How to make and keep your man happy after a long, tiring day at work (well, and forever after that)!

There are some requirements to make a man deserving of this list by the way. He must work hard to provide, to the best of his abilities, he must love you, for you and no matter what, and he must be a good dad, be it to your children or whatever four legged things you call your kids!

Ok, on to the list!

1. Before your man gets home, do a quick cleanup. Ours consists of cleaning up the kitchen, putting the laundry away and yelling at the boys to "hurry up and get the toys put away, daddy's on his way!"

2. If you've yet to shower because you have three kids and couldn't fit one in edgewise, spray on his favorite perfume and brush your hair. A little mascara goes a long ways to hide the circle under you eyes. He doesn't really care though as long as you smell good!

3. Make the kids, at least, wash thier hands, although clean faces are great too!

4. He likes clothes on the kids. Try to at least get them to wear undies, though shorts or pants are for the best!

5. Unlock the doors so he can just come in. (I fail miserably at this one!)

6. Look up from whatever it is you're doing at that moment. It'll just take a second to say "Hi Honey, I'm glad you're home" and it'll make his sucky day worth it.

7. Have the kids take his boots and socks off. He will enjoy it and really, who of us doesn't remember taking our daddy's bootsoff for him?

8. Hug and kiss him.

9. Offer him something to drink.

10. Smile at him. You're his whole world, shouldn't hr be yours?

Wow, I think there's more to my list than Betty's!!

11. Ask him about his day. Refrain from blurting out how you had bill collectors call or how you saw an ex in the produce isle. Let him just chill.

12. Eat dinner together. Always.

13. Shower together as often as possible. Don't make an excuse like "someone has to watch the kids". Single parents shower all the time. Turn on a show. It's okto be a bad parent, occasionally, in order to be a good wife!

14. Let him touch your arm. Your hair. Your face. I know you've been touched by Graham cracker and dirt encrusted hannies all day long but men show affection through touch so let him.

15. Do IT! Even if you don't always feel like it! Once you get started, you'll get into it. And I don't want to hear another woman say "I have a headache"! It's a proven FACT, endorphins kill headaches and what is the biggest activator of endorphins??? You guessed it!!!

16. One word: BJoys. They literally think it's the greatest thing ever, next to you of course.

17. Cherish him. You're one of the lucky ones.

He may not say he appreciates the little things you do like his laundry or his dinner. But he does. And the fact that he goes to a job he probably despises EVERY SINGLE DAY proves there's no where else he'd rather be than with you.

See, husbands, it wasn't so bad after all! ;)